The battle between my brain, my mouth and an office full of assholes..

Today was rough. Not because of the usual Boobs bitch-fest, or because Intern2 gets to do all the cool jobs, or because of the mentalists that send emails to the office. Today was rough because it became common knowledge that I’m dating Goatee.

Boobs comes over to my desk, head all high, and I’m waiting for her to bark an order at me when instead she says, ‘How serious are you and Goatee?’ (Of course, she used his real name, not ‘Goatee’.)

Now, my brain is saying things like ‘It’s none of your business’, ‘Why should you care?’ and ‘Fuck off!’ But my mouth answers, ‘A little over a week.’

To this she states, ‘Seems pretty serious for just a week.’

Once again, my mind is saying ‘How do you know it’s serious?’ and ‘It’s none of your fucking business’, but my mouth stays closed in shock and I just stare at her. After the momentary shock of her nosiness, I begin to think that she’s right. We only just started dating. How the hell did I get a boyfriend in less than a fortnight? Why do I have a boyfriend? I just broke-up with TheBoy, what am I doing?

While my mind’s reeling, Boobs says, ‘Don’t let it affect your work.’

That just got on my tits. Okay, I don’t know how I got in a relationship so quick. Okay, it’s probably not the best idea. Okay, I have a bad habit of dating men in positions of authority. But, I’m a damn good worker. I work my arse off…for free. We’re adults, and there’s no rule that says I can’t date a coworker. 

Of course, my brain has more bravado than my mouth, and all I said was ‘Don’t worry.’

Then NFEditor came strolling over. As usual, there’s no conversation she won’t try to be a part of. She must have heard that we were talking about Goatee before she even got near my desk, so she approaches by saying, ‘I’ve always wondered. What’s he like in the sack.’

Again, my brain is screaming ‘FUCK OFF!’, but my mouth is proud that I’m having fabulous sex and kind of wants to show off. I reach a compromise between my mouth and my brain, and I say ‘Yeah, it’s good.’

To which she says, ‘I’ll keep that in mind.’

By now, the entire office (minus Goatee because he’s out, luckily) is at my desk. HarryPotter tells NFEditor, ‘You better watch out. Don’t touch her boyfriend.’ Intern2 finishes this sentence with ‘Yeah, she’s all EE; she’ll cut you.’

HarryPotter then says, ‘Cause she looooooves himmmm.’

And then Intern2 starts making kissie noises.

That hole in the ground that should appear when you want to be swallowed up. Yeah, it didn’t appear. So I had to sit there, and take it. I said, ‘Okay now. Funny funny’, in that ‘I don’t really care, but I really do’ jovial way. But it didn’t stop them. HarryPotter and Intern2 start singing that ‘K.I.S.S.I.NG.’ song – because they’re that mature.

However, NFEditor hadn’t moved on from ‘How’s he in the sack?’ and didn’t notice that everyone was mocking me. For the first time ever — and probably the last time ever — I was happy NFEditor was clueless of her surroundings, because she started talking about ‘Things she liked to do…’

She recommended a sexual position that had something to do with a rodeo, and she reminisced about screwing a Simian guy and a Cherokee named Dean while travelling in Italy. To be honest, I don’t even really believe her half the time; she just seems to have a pathalogical desire to be the most interesting person in a room.

Lucky for me, NFEditor’s sexual monologue brought the mocking to a dead stop, and everyone went back to their desks. I pretended to answer the phone, and she wandered off.

One nice thing about the office taking the mick, I’d rather they made fun of me and the relationship was out in the open, than having to hide it like some sort of dirty secret. I don’t have to hide. We don’t have to hide. I know what I’m getting into, and I don’t have to worry about any secrets. That part feels good.


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