An Email in Translation

In the mornings, I turn on my computer and the first thing I do is pull up my email. Not the MNM email, but my personal email. I know, not very professional, but it’s a habit. So, I opened my email this morning and found this message:

I apologise that an explanation in the form of an email has been my choice of correspondence, but after last week’s situation it is probable that a phone attempt would be met with unfavourable results. However, some form of contact is necessary, as it is your right to have access to all the information.

I believe you received an irate phone call from a woman named Diane. This woman is a friend of mine; yet, despite her protests, she and I have had no romantic involvement with one another. When I decided that my marriage was no longer viable, I found myself in need of accommodation, and Diane was kind enough to offer the use of her sofa. I have since discovered that she harbours feelings for me.

I have come to learn that she’s mentally unstable. I am currently acting as an emotional council for the woman and have suggested she seek medical attention. Nonetheless, my teaching responsibilities have procured much of my valuable time, and I have not ‘been there’ when she needed guidance.

I know that you are an understanding woman, as you have always been a kind and open individual. I am attempting to help Diane, because it is the same line of action you would have taken.

I believe Diane has not the emotional strength to understand the friendship you and I have enjoyed for so long. Therefore, we must wait for Diane’s illness to subside before reinvestigating our romantic situation. I am positive that as soon as I am able to secure accommodation and find help for Diane, we can resume exploring any feelings we may have for one another.

Yours truly…

I swear, that’s the letter, verbatim. Usually, he speaks like a normal human – for the most part. I have no idea why he’s taken the tone of a 19th century barrister.

Maybe someone was looking over his shoulder? Maybe he’s worried that the email will be found, or maybe he’s spent so many years writing boring academic articles that he doens’t know how to communicate any other way. No, that’s not it. I think he’s just being a twat-face-twat-fuck! Who knows, maybe he thought it was funny.

For those who aren’t versed in the language of ‘scummy-lecturer-who-sleeps-with-his-students’, perhaps I should translate. Please see translation in blue: 

I apologise that an explanation in the form of an email has been my choice of correspondence, but after last week’s situation it is probable that a phone attempt would be met with unfavourable results. [Sorry I didn’t call but the bitch has got my phone.] However, some form of contact is necessary, as it is your right to have access to all the information. [I need to tell you my side of the story.] 

I believe you received an irate phone call from a woman named Diane. This woman is a friend of mine; yet, despite her protests, she and I have had no romantic involvement with one another. [I tell people I’m not sleeping with her, but there is no way my horny ass is sleeping on a sofa with a woman in the next room.] When I decided that my marriage was no longer viable, [When my wife kicked me out.] I found myself in need of accommodation, and Diane was kind enough to offer the use of her sofa. [My booty-call turned into a live-in situation.] I have since discovered that she harbours feelings for me. [She didn’t know she was nothing but a booty-call.]

I have come to learn that she’s mentally unstable. [I’m telling everyone, ‘that bitch is crazy’, but in truth I just have a tiny penis and feel like a big man when I screw women over.] I am currently acting as an emotional council for the woman and have suggested she seek medical attention.  [Talking about your feelings is not a turn on.] Nonetheless, my teaching responsibilities have procured much of my valuable time, and I have not ‘been there’ when she needed guidance. [I’ve been hiding out in my office, because I’m scared of her.]

I know that you are an understanding woman, as you have always been a kind and open individual. I am attempting to help Diane, because it is the same line of action you would have taken. [If I act like a kiss-up, you won’t realise I’m a prick.]

I believe Diane has not the emotional strength to understand the friendship you and I have enjoyed for so long.  [I don’t want her to know that I’m emailing you.] Therefore, we must wait for Diane’s illness to subside before reinvestigating our romantic situation. [Once Diane thinks she can trust me again, I’ll give you a ring.] I am positive that as soon as I am able to secure accommodation and find help for Diane, we can resume exploring any feelings we may have for one another. [I’ll call you later when she’s away on holiday.]

 Yours truly… [Sucka!]

I HATE HIM. He has just ruined my day; he has ruined my life. And I’m absolutely sick of him. I’ve put a block on his emails, and I don’t ever want to hear from him again. EVER!

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