I was on a mission today. HarryPotter and I went to our usual spot for lunch, where I was to fill him in on my mission to take revenge on Intern2. Yes, Intern2 has apologised for making things difficult, but I don’t know if it was a real apology. Why did he feel that he needed to say ‘sorry’ if it was all in the past? Why not just stop talking about me and move on?

The problem with my revenge plan was that I didn’t have any real weight in the office to smack talk him. No one would pay any attention to me, not even Goatee, plus I’m above all that anyway. 

So, I was going to get HarryPotter to help. I was thinking Tim versus Gareth — UK Office style. Or maybe some sort of Amelie mayhem. Slowly drive him mad. 

So, I broached HarryPotter with my plan, and he did not react like I expected. He didn’t act like Dawn, instead he got all self-righteous. He said Intern2 ‘hasn’t talked about you in ages. And he really wasn’t even talking about you before, he was just pointing out the obvious.’

Pointing out the obvious! I demanded that HarryPotter explain that statement before I put some revenge plans in place on him as well.

He said, ‘He’s just got a lot of experience. And they over loaded him at first with editorial jobs. Plus, he’d been given a lot of events work to do. So at one point, someone suggested taking a bit of the work off him and giving it to you. But, Intern2* just pointed out that you hadn’t done any of that work before, and perhaps you should have been trained more.’ 

I couldn’t believe the cheek of Intern2. Taking jobs away from me. I told HarryPotter, ‘You see why I think he’s still talking about me? He only did that so that he could look good. He was only acting in his own self-interest…’ 

HarryPotter cut me off. ‘You did fuck up a bit at first.’ 

I lost it. ‘Of course I messed up. Everyone has a learning curve at a new job.’ 

HarryPotter got really quiet, then said, ‘All I’m saying is that you were new, and he had a lot of experience. Yes, he was looking out for himself. But it wasn’t as devious as you may think. I’d let it drop.’

I asked, ‘Why did he make a point of apologising if it wasn’t such a big deal?’ HarryPotter said, ‘Guilt and jealousy, even for the smallest things, will make people act in strange ways.’ 

I was annoyed and wanted to change the subject. So I told HarryPotter about babysitting and how the Dad has totally been perving on me. 

You know what HarryPotter said? ‘Oh for Christ’s sake. Not everyone fancies you.’ 

I am so not happy with HarryPotter right now.

I said, that of course I didn’t think everyone fancied me, just that this guy has some sort of babysitter fetish that makes me uncomfortable.I told HarryPotter that I have plenty of guys hitting on me, even Intern2 has been flirting …

HarryPotter started laughing. Hand over face, shaking, laughing, then he said, ‘You wally. He’s gay.’

I didn’t believe him, but he swore Intern2 is gay. How could I have missed that? I usually have such good gaydar.

I’m at my desk just now. Intern2 was out with Goatee this morning, but he’s in the office now. I’m fascinated with him; I guess he does seem a bit gayish. I’m really kind of annoyed with myself. I should have befriended him from day one. I’ve never had a GBF (Gay Best Friend), and I’ve always wanted one. I’ve really missed out on an opportunity. And if I’d made him my GBF from the beginning he wouldn’t be smack talking me.

*I don’t know if I really need to say this, but obviously HarryPotter called him by his real name. Not Intern2.


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