I want to start by apologising for writing a long post. But, well, it’s all here. Nothing’s left out.
My reaction to Goatee’s infidelity (yes, it’s a dramatic word, but necessary all the same) has been quite different to my realisation that TheBoy is a cheating married bastard. I was truly sad and hurt when I found out about TheBoy, and it took me quite some time to get over it. In fact, I don’t know if I am actually over him. Yes, I finally cut him from my life, but there’s still a sentimental sting in my heart. But Goatee, when I think of Goatee, I’m disgusted. He makes me nauseas. I’m annoyed that I was sucked into this stupid relationship, and that I moved in with him rather than just sorting out my life and finding another flat. I’m angry that I didn’t see this coming, and I’m mad that I fell for a grown man who is no better than a stroppy child. And I’m really creeped-out that we had all that weird sex. That makes me so sick to my stomach.
Oh, right. What happened? I haven’t told you that yet.
Monday started fairly normal. I woke-up to a frisky Goatee, and we had sex in the shower, which then lead to a frisky flirty morning. He drove me into work, and I was at my desk, and he comes around behind the counter and starts whispering in my ear. NFEditor was late arriving to work, so she walked through the front door and saw us. She huffed as she went by my desk. Within less than a minute she’d rung. She wanted to see me in her office.
She asks me to have a seat because, ‘we need to talk’. She says that I ‘need to know the situation’, that ‘it’s best we’re all adults’, and ‘these things happen all the time.’ From the way she was talking, I thought she was going to fire me, but then she adds ‘it’s what adults do. No point in being prudish about it.’
After a bit of a pause, she just blurts it out. ‘Goatee and I have been sleeping together.’
I really thought it was a whined-up. He’s never showed any interest in her. ‘Have been sleeping together.’ It’s weird but that ‘have been’ really played over in my mind, not the ‘sleeping together’ part.
She was quiet for a bit, then said, ‘I turned him down at first, but he was so relentless. He practically throws himself at me, what else am I to do?’
I didn’t say a word; I just got up and went into Goatee’s office. He was in the middle of writing something. I expected to tell him, and for him to laugh, and say, ‘She’s crazy. You know she always needs to be the centre of attention.’
So, I said, ‘You’ll never believe the rubbish NFEditor just told me. She said that you two have been sleeping together.’
His reaction wasn’t what I was expecting. He was quiet then said, ‘Yes. We did. It’s not a big deal.’ And then he went back to writing.
I was in shock. How could he be so cavalier? I just stood there; I didn’t leave his office.
He looked up from his work and said, ‘What did you expect? She’ll do things you won’t. If you just weren’t so frigid…’
I couldn’t believe he just said that! I couldn’t keep quiet, so I said very loudly, ‘So, it’s my fault you’re a philanderer.’ (I actually used the word ‘philanderer’. Yeah, it’s weird.)
He calmly stands up and says, ‘And what have you been getting up to…’
I cut him off. ‘I don’t know what you’ve been told, but I’ve been nothing but faithful.’ Then I asked, ‘Is it true. Is it true that you pursued her?’ I mean, I could see NFEditor coming after him; hell, she hits on everything.
Goatee calmly said, ‘I don’t think the details are important.’
I assured them that they were important. Not that it matters. He cheated. But I still wanted to know if he calculated going behind my back, or if it just kind of happened.
He said that he bumped into her the day before New Years Eve. He’d been in the office that day and wanted a pint after work. He was coming out of the office as she was going in. They went for a drink, and then he said, ‘Do you really want to know the rest?’
I asked if they were still sleeping together, but he didn’t answer. Instead he started talking about ‘trust being a two way street’ and if I was ‘going to be immature’ then… well, I stopped listening.
All I could focus on were those stupid loafers, and his stupid socks that match his stupid tie. I stared at those loafers, and then started to picture his feet. All hairy with yellowing toe nails, then I looked up and I could picture him naked. A bit of sag around his middle, that patch of hair on his lower back. I thought of him on the toilet with the door open, and I also remembered him standing in the bathroom shaving his head. I never really wanted to be in this relationship, I just got pulled into it. I never wanted to live with him. I never wanted to even sleep with him. He is just a vile pervert of a man, and I got sucked into his life.
He was still talking as I walked out of his office. I picked up my handbag and kept on walking out the door. I was very calm; I knew what I was going to do. I was going back to Goatee’s house. I was going to get all of my stuff and I was going back to Kingston. I had no business being in Glasgow. This whole experience had been nothing but a disaster. I didn’t want to be in publishing. All I wanted to be was home.
I was on the bus when my mobile rang. It was HarryPotter. He asked where I was. Could he come get me? I told him I was going back to London. He asked me to stay. He said that I should stay. I told him ‘no’.
When I got to Goatee’s house, HarryPotter was waiting. I asked him why he was here, and he said ‘Want to make sure you’re okay.’ I asked where Goatee was, as I was afraid he’d be on his way home. HarryPotter said he stayed in the office and carried on working like nothing had happened. That hurt more than I thought it would.
HarryPotter asked me to stay at his for the night, and he argued that it was too late to catch a train. That I should sleep on it before deciding to leave. Actually, I had plenty of time to catch a train, but he kept insisting that I shouldn’t leave in a rush. Finally, I agreed to sleep on it.
He helped me pack my stuff, and he loaded my bags in his car. I had been wearing the pendant Goatee gave me for Christmas, and as I walked out the door, I took it off, and put it on the side table. I put the keys to Goatee’s house next to the pendant but something wasn’t right. It was weird just leaving. I felt like I was checking out of a hotel. Recently, I looked online to see how much that necklace cost, and it’s really expensive. The whole break up was feeling so cold and impersonal, so I pushed the keys aside, and picked up the pendant. I’ve decided to keep it. Maybe it was because the pendant is expensive, or maybe I just wanted something to remind me that it was a real relationship – not just some sort of arrangement.
HarryPotter took me to his flat, and he’s got a spare room. I’d left a bunch of stuff in my desk, and I wanted my things, but I wasn’t willing to go back to the office; so I asked HarryPotter if he would collect my belongings for me. He nicely agreed and went back into the office.
While he was away, I logged on to the internt planning to blog about what had happened; this is when I saw that I had a new referrer, and decided to check it out. Not the best idea, as it was the ‘offending’ blog post about me not being real. So rather than blogging about Goatee being a disgusting creep, I went on a rant about this girl’s blog. Like I said before, it was just bad timing. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset, but it felt like the world was caving in on me.
HarryPotter was gone for about an hour, and when he came back he didn’t have my stuff. He said that he thought I should face-up to the office and get the stuff myself. Plus, Boobs really wanted to talk to me before I left. The thought of dealing with Boobs on top of all the other drama made me feel even sicker. But HarryPotter pushed and pushed it. He said that if I wanted, I could live with him. He has a spare room. He said that I shouldn’t buy my train ticket until I get to the station, and I should talk to Boobs before I decide to do anything.
I finally relented to talk to Boobs, but I wasn’t sure if I was going to stay in Glasgow.
Yesterday early evening, I was on the phone with D, and then B and then R for a while, but I really didn’t feel like talking about it. So it was nice to just hear their voices, without having to say much. Eventually, I got off Skype, and bless little HarryPotter, he really did try to cheer me up. That night he ordered Chinese take-away, and we watched Sex and The City 2. He bought it for cheep from the Tescos, because he said ‘All girls like this stuff don’t they? It cheers them up.’ I laughed.
Now I love the Sex and the City series, and I adore the first film. But this second film was so incredibly bad. But it was so bad that HarryPotter and I laughed the whole time, and he made jokes about their clothes and the fact that Kim Catrell is starting to look like Joan Rivers, and the braless Irish nanny named Erin – as in Erin go Braugh. Yeah, it was that bad.
I was feeling better by bedtime, but as soon as the lights were out, and I was in that guest bedroom (actually it’s a box room full of old computer parts and a futon) all the anger came flooding back. I hardly slept last night thinking about how I keep falling for the same type of guy, and how that same type of guy treats me any way he wants.
I didn’t sleep well, so I was up pretty early this morning. I logged into the blog and was absolutely shocked by everyone’s response to yesterday’s post. I broke down in tears, and wanted to reply to everyone, but my head was all over the place.
HarryPotter heard me crying and knocked lightly on the door. He had a morning cuppa and some toast. ‘Breakfast in bed’ he said. I did’t want him to know about the blog, so I closed down my laptop.
HarryPotter drove me into work this morning, and I went into Boobs office before clearing out my desk. Here’s what she said to me:
‘I’ve decided that it’s time you and Intern2 switched roles. I’d like you to work with me in fiction, and he’ll take over the role of nonfiction intern. It would be advantageous for you both the gain experience in different fields of publishing.’
I asked if I would be still working front of office, or if I was completely switching rolls with Intern2 – ie, would I have to work with Goatee as Intern2 had been.
Boobs said, ‘No. You’ll still be front desk support, but from now on you will only report to me.’
She then added that she wanted me to help edit MyAuthor’s new manuscript, and that MyAuthor has specifically asked if I could be a part of the project.
I shifted on my feet a bit. It was a good offer, but the thought of seeing Goatee and NFEditor everyday made me want to scream. I was kind of just blank, and Boobs added, ‘You shouldn’t let external circumstances keep you from finishing a commitment. It’s unprofessional. Plus, I think you’ve got a future in publishing, it would be ridiculous to throw that away.’
That’s all she said. No mention of Goatee or NFEditor, but I knew what she was doing. Despite the orange tan, duck lips and blond extensions she’s a smart little cookie. I really should have had more respect for her from the beginning.
Due to her decision to switch my rolls, and everyone’s comments on my blog, I agreed to stay. Boobs said that I could take the rest of the day off, but that I was expected back in the office tomorrow morning. I thanked her and walked out of her office.
NFEditor was in her office with the door shut, and Goatee wasn out. Intern2 was at the front desk, so it was just HarryPotter and I in the communal area. I told him what Boobs had said, and he got the biggest smile on his face before saying, ‘You’re staying then?’
I said, ‘You’ll get all that junk out of the spare room so I’ll have a place to live?’
He’s at work today, and I’ve cleared out the spare room. The placement is only for another seven weeks. I think I can hang about for that long.
And, while the thought of Goatee makes me sick and angry, I’m glad I have my friends.
I might have a blogging addiction, and I might reveal too much online, but it does feel good to get it all out in the open. This is my cathartic outlet. I’m going to stay in Glasgow and I’m going to keep blogging. And, I also just want to say, I’m sorry for going all blogger-ASBO yesterday. But it’s also good to know that I have so many online friends. Thanks.