Once I’ve Actually Moved

Today was fairly shit. I packed and unpacked, and then shuffled stuff around, and packed again. I’m still not sure exactly what I should bring. What’s too much stuff and what’s not enough?

But mostly today was fairly shit because I was fighting with D and M. Last night our blog comments moved to texts. I was really quite upset that they didn’t see me moving as a big deal, and they didn’t (don’t) empathise, or even understand what a massive life changing experience this is for me. They have no idea how scary it is to make such a permanent decision.

They just see it as me moving…again.

Unfortunately, nothing is said well in a text, so by one in the morning it all blew-up. Today I just wanted to see them. I wanted to clear the air before I left. Therefore, today’s packing and unpacking was much more akin to pacing. I wanted them to get home from work so we could talk.

I’m just now home from going to D’s. She said she doesn’t want to talk about it, and this just upset me more. Before I knew it, I was sobbing like a child. But instead of being sympathetic, she turned her back on me and said, ‘Not again. I’m not dealing with your drama again.’

My drama! Okay, I know I can over react a bit, and I do get myself into precarious situations, but we’ve always been there for each other, so turning her back on me really hurt. I haven’t seen M, and I dont’ think I can. I’m just too upset.

Dad will be here in a couple of hours, so I’m going to leave it with M and D for now. I’ll call them in a few days. I won’t say I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lose them either. Hopefully it will be different once I’ve actually moved.

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