Meet the Kids

Fife’s out with the kids. The little one came running and jumping into the bed with us at the crack of dawn, while the older one was on the sofa already plugged into the iPad when we woke up.

They’ve all gone for a bike ride just now and I wasn’t invited. There’s a fourth bike in the shed, and I could have gone with them, but when I took the bike out the youngest screamed, ‘That’s mummy’s bicycle. She’s not allowed to ride mummy’s bicycle.’

Fine by me. I look like a drunk duck riding a bike anyway, and it’s been less than 24 hours and I could already use a bit of time away from the kids. The littlest one is okay, because I think he’s just a typical kid who says it like it is, and really doesn’t mean to be rude. The older one though, yeah, he doesn’t like me. And honestly, I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t like me either.

Yesterday, when they came to collect me, I was waiting out on the pavement, and Fife made them get out of the car to introduce themselves. The older one is the image of Fife. Tall and broad, with a mane of dark hair. They have the same round face and dimples. The youngest one must look a bit more like his mum. His face is more angled and he’s quite small. Or I think he’s small, he seems small, how big is an eight year old boy supposed to be?  But he does have his Dad’s smile – broad and stretches from one ear to the other.

I need to come up with names for his kids. What about LittleOne and BigOne? I think that’ll do.

In the car, the oldest one demanded to know who I was. Fife said, ‘We’ve been over this. She’s my girlfriend.’

BigOne says, ‘You never told us that Dad. I can’t believe you’re taking us off to a cabin in the woods with a strange woman. Does social services know about this?’

The LittleOne then responds with, ‘Yes he did tell us about her. She’s Dad’s [Dave]. She’s Girl[Dave].’ 

They now call me GirlDave. (Well, Helen’s boyfriend isn’t name Dave, but you get the point. My name to these kids is Girl[Name of Mum’s Boyfriend].) So not cool. 

We got to the cottage and immediately they wanted to know where GirlDave was going to sleep because there were only two beds and a sofa, and four of us, ‘Because Dave sleeps in your room when he comes to our house Dad.’

This sent Fife up the wall. I’m sure Helen’s boyfriend doesn’t sleep in Fife’s bed, I’m sure BigOne was just trying to get a rise out of his dad. And it worked. However, LittleOne wanted the sofa because then he could watch telly all night, to which BigOne took umbrage and decided that he wanted the sofa. I couldn’t take it, so I said that I didn’t care where they slept, but I was sleeping in the bed with their father.

Fife went back out to the car to get the shopping and the rest of the bags, and I went into the bathroom. When I came out, BigOne was roaring with laughter, because the little one got into the bedside table in the master bedroom. 

Remember the present Fife got me for Easter? The one tucked into the plastic egg? LittleOne found it. BigOne told him it was a nose massager. LittleOne had a strap around each ear, stretching the gizmo across bridge of his nose and eyes. It was vibrating and LittleOne giggled that it ‘tickled’, while BigOne knew exactly what it was and was rolling on the floor laughing.

I stormed outside, and told Fife to come sort out his children. Fife went to see what the problem was while I got the rest of the shopping out of the car, and I came back into the house to the three of them laughing, with Fife trying to explain to LittleOne why he wasn’t allowed to play with the nose massager.

Oh my god. Why did I EVER think that I wanted kids? Thank god Fife’s had a vasectomy. 

After dinner, each one of the boys got on their individual iPads to watch a film with their headphones in while Fife and I watched telly. Both boys fell asleep on the floor. Fife gently pulled their headphones off. He picked up LittleOne and brought him into the spare room and pulled off his clothes and replaced them with pajamas. Kids are amazing in that they can sleep through anything. LittleOne’s head bobbed back and forth as Fife dressed him and tucked him in bed. Fife stood up to leave, when LittleOne woke up momentarily, reached his arms up said, ‘Night cuddle’. Fife gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, then told him good night before shutting off the light.

Fife then set up the sofa for a bed by putting down a sheet and a duvet. He nudged BigOne to get up and go to bed. BigOne grumbled a bit before pulling off his shirt. He then opened one eye, and said, ‘Not with her watching.’

I went into the other room to get ready for bed myself as BigOne went to bed in the lounge. 

Fife finally came to bed and asked, ‘So. What do you think?’ 

What a loaded question. I’m not going to say, ‘They’re obnoxious little monsters and I don’t know how you have the energy to deal with them.’ 

Instead, I said the other truth, ‘You’re an amazing dad. It’s actually kind of sexy.’ 

Last night we had the quietest sex of my life, but my god it was amazing.


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