I rang Giles today to talk about the intern: the fact she was hired without consulting me and the fact we really should be paying her. He totally ignored my remark about not speaking with me first, and then he flippantly stated that £50 a week would be okay.
He also wanted an update on the ‘objectives and strategies found in the company’s transformation vision.’ I really have no idea what this guy is on about. I have no idea what we’re transforming. The New Agency? Publishing? How agencies run? No clue. And I have no vision. Of anything. Maybe me losing ten pounds, but that’s never going to realistically happen.
However, I could talk to him about ‘objectives’ and ‘strategies’…sort of.
Lorainne, Paris, London and myself all agree that the terms ‘objective’ and ‘strategy’ are fancy names for a ‘business plan’, and are terms used by people who don’t actually do any work but want to pretend like the do. Essentially, you should write up a business plan and make changes to it as you achieve certain things or not. Pretty simple. But, when Giles first started talking to us about buying the Agency, he was asking for ‘objectives’ and ‘strategies’, so we sketched some together from the business plan we’d been working off.
So, this I could talk to him about.
Other than our individual clients, I was telling him who kind of leads on different parts of the business. For example, London is a wiz at digital stuff so she does all the web stuff, but because they say I’m ‘young’, I do most of the content. London does a lot of the mentoring pairing and all that, because most of our authors live within travel distance to London, but Lorainne and I worked with a lot of Scottish authors. Off course, Paris does international subsidiary, and I’ve found myself doing a bit of film subsidiary. That sort of thing.
I was telling him how even though we each have our strengths we all work together, despite being spread across countries, and how we keep in touch through iMessage and regular Facetime chats. I talked about how we’re rarely in our offices anyway, and how Paris and I are quite often in London for work and we’ll all get together then.
I was on this total ‘aren’t we a great team, we’re one giant Agent family’ spew, when he asked, ‘Do you think it would be better “synergy” if you were in one office?’ I absentmindedly said, “Maybe, and since our headquarters are technically in London, perhaps…’ and I don’t know what ‘synergy’ means.
He cuts me off and says ‘You think you’d get a better “dynamacisim” in London? It is the cultural hub. And Farmer McGreggor (or whoever the fuck his merchant banker friend is) has been questioning my purchase of a business partially based in Scotland, Dundee of all places, with this Referendum business.’
I kind of said, ‘Okay’ just to express that I was listening, not that I agreed or knew what ‘dynamacism’ was.
Then he said, ‘I’m really glad I talked to you. Happy we’re in agreement. I’ll start looking for office space in London. Something in the W8, just to give it a bit of gravitas. Or would W1 be better, broadcasting central and all that. Where are most of the publishing houses located in London? Oh never mind, I’ll have my realtor look in to it. When can you move? A few weeks should do.’
Then he rung off. The bastard.
What the fuck have I done? Did I talk him into moving all the offices to London?
I guess if we moved down to London, we could live with mum and that would sort her under-occupancy issue. What am I saying. Oh my gawd. HP is going to kill me. I’m going to kill me.
Oh fuck. Paris is going to kill me. And London, well, she likes working from home. She’s not going to want a commute. And that Intern. At least this would sort the Intern problem, can’t take her to London. Although, if her family is friend’s with Giles’ family, her family probably has a second home in Chelsea or something, and I’ll have to bring her with me like office equipment.
Maybe I’m going to have to take Betsy’s offer. At least she’s giving me the change to work from home…no matter where in the UK that home is.
Shit. What has just happened. Am I moving back to London?