I have had an attrocious day and it started at 1 o’clock in the morning, but I’ll work backwards actually. With the most recent shit.
I was late coming into the office. This is has become a usual occurance as it takes two busses to get to work. And, to make matters worse, I had no sleep last night. But more on that later.
When I got in not only was Patch and MacDraggyFeet back from their European tour, but RobotPA was gone and she was replaced with someone who will be called BigEyes, for reasons which will shortly be explained. Oh, and the Intern was there, as was Giles.
Giles sarcastically thanked me for ‘joining them’ and says that we’re having the first of our weekly ‘Team Integration and Facilitaton Discourses’. In other words we were going to start having Team Meetings.
I swear to god he just opens an MBA text to random pages and uses whatever word he comes across. I don’t know what he’s talking about most of the time because I don’t think he uses words correctly.
First on the agenda, Giles has brought in BigEyes. She’s from an agency, and she’s going to do all the PA stuff in the office and the payroll and all that who-ha. Actually, this is excellent news as I was beginning to worry that I was expected to do this stuff.
Right, the reason she’s called BigEyes is because she has normal sized eyes when she speaks or looks at anyone in the room, except for when she looks at, or talks to, Patch. Then her eyes get really big and dialated. And Patch so noticed this. He has spent nearly the entire morning flirting with her. But not normal flirting, the sort of flirting a man in his 30s does when he’s trying to impress a middle aged woman, and she fell for it.
So, if you’re wondering how to flirt with a middle aged woman who looks like she’s stepped out of the film ‘Office Space’ and even uses phrases like ‘Seems like someone’s got a case of the Mondays’, this is how to flirt.
Show her pictures of your kids, and all the fun Dad actives you do with them. Then bad mouth your wife with a smile and a laugh. Not really bad mouth. Not like ‘I hate that cow…’ Go with the happy martyr schtick. Things like, ‘I’m really happy to get up with the wee one at 4 in the morning when she’s sick. It’s what I do. I’m a Dad. And, my wife, we’ll we’ve had family meetings about it, and since she’s back to working on her home business, she needs her sleep. She really feels that I’m the better person to get up in the night. I have to be up at 5am anyway to get ready for work and to drive in to Dundee. (Laugh and smile here.) It’s what I do. I’m a Dad.’
It makes me want to punch him in the face, but BigEyes just eats it up. She was nearly on her knees giving him a foot rub she was so taken by his selfless acts of parenting.
Anyway, we have this meeting, and the next thing Giles does is announce that we should have a hierarchy. I’m thinking ‘okay, whatever, atleast I’ll find out what MacDraggyFeet does’.
So, here’s the hierachy:
Patch – Senior Agent
MacDraggyFeet – Associate Agent
Me – Assistant Agent
Intern – Intern (But, as Giles said to her during the meeting, ‘You’re doing an excellent job and I think by the time you graduate we can look at bringing you on as Associate.’)
WHAT THE FUCK!
I queried Giles’ sound reasoning for all this and he said, ‘I feel that as Giles has had the most sales experience out of the group you all can benefit from his leadership. I trust him to take this company from what it was to what it could be. We want to think future, not past.’
WHAT THE FUCK!
And as for MacDraggyFeet, I’ve discovered that she’s come from a back ground in the public sector working as a career councilor at an FE college, so, in the words of Giles, ‘She’s got sufficient knowledge of the industry as some of the students she counselled were taking journalism courses.’
I am at a loss for words.
I finally pulled out the paperwork I had on the sale, and there’s no employment contract included, and the wording is really vague on the role I would take at the agency. Basically, it just says that in lieu of a complete buy-out I will be employed at X salary a year for Y years or until I have been paid 20% over the total of the buy out that I did not receive. (But in more legal terms.)
It doesn’t state how I’ll be employed.
I told Giles that I didn’t have a new employment contract and because he bought the company, including it’s intellectual property, that would include any old employment contracts. So, he had to honour my old contract.
He then, the little shit, pointed out a clause in the sale that stated I would agree to a new contract, and if I didn’t the sale would be null. (This is what London and Paris are fighting.)
The he shoved a new employment contract in my face which has me listed as an Assistant Agent.
I couldn’t believe it.
Then he adds, ‘You should find this very generous as I had considered making you the office assistant, until you found your feet. I think you could use some time to get up to speed with things and learn how a proper business works. But, I decided to throw you a bone and add “Agent” to the contract.’
You know, I’m livid. But I need this job. The paperwork is all going through for mum’s house. I can’t back out.
Right, I’ve got to go because I’ve got a contract I’m being coerced into signing.