Life Choices

After nearly 48 hours of hiding and questioning my life choices, I think it’s time to write a blog post. If anything, it will make me feel better (the cathartic element of this blog is the only thing that keeps me from deleting it completely). But nothing will make me feel better. It’s over between HP and I.

God, I can’t believe I just wrote that. It can’t be true. I’ve been talking to Donna all day yesterday and Betsey today, but I never said it out loud. And Goatee called, and I cried at him for about an hour. Why did Goatee call? Because I 999’d him on Halloween night. But more on that later.

HP can’t really be gone for good. Can he? HP and I haven’t talked about any of this, he just packed a bag and told me today that he’s moving out for a while. Going to stay with a friend while he gets some ‘space’. I tried to talk to him, but he said he didn’t want to. Not now. He’s too angry. He has nothing to be angry about. I’m the one that should be angry. I fucking hate him right now, and I miss him. How is that possible? I’ve had cheating fuckwit boyfriends in the past (aren’t they all), but I’ve always been angry. This time I’m sad. Unbelievably sad.

I didn’t realise it was even possible to feel this way. I feel betrayed but I kind of feel like I could have stopped it. Why do I feel like it’s my fault?

Okay, starting from the beginning. Actually, you know what, I can’t talk about it. Not even in writing. I saw him kiss Candy. And I’m not ready to deal with this.

Oh, and I was at a party and the Intern was there. On top of everything else, I was confronted with the reality of how much of a bitch I’ve been to her. God, tomorrow when I go into work, I will have to deal with  seeing the Intern I unnecessarily insulted in a drunken state. Maybe tomorrow should be a sick day.

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