The worst Halloween of my life

Can’t sleep so may as well blog.

Got home from work on Friday night to find HP in a tuxedo with his hair gelled in this weird coif. We had plans to go to a Halloween party at a co-worker’s house. Or should I say, when I got home HP informed me that we had plans to go to a party. Actually, he put it this way, ‘Going to a Halloween party. You coming?’ Candy was to meet us there later.

This guy she’s dating had his kids for the weekend, so she went over to his for  a bit of trick-or-treating, then she was going to come meet us later.

Asked HP why she was coming at all. If she was with her new boyfriend, why would she ditch him as soon as the kids went to bed?

‘Cause her employee is throwing the party, and she wants to be there. Why do you care?’ He was all short with me, so I ignored it and asked him what he was supposed to be for Halloween, since he was wearing a tux.

Answer, ‘Bond, James Bond.’ Then he pulls a toy gun from his jacket.

Remembering Intern2, Hubby, and Donna (and everyone)’s advice on how I should try to put in an effort with HP, I decided to use Halloween as a way to connect, so I asked which Bond, and he said, ‘The best bond. Roger Moore.’

‘Not one of the Scottish Bonds,’ I asked.

He then got really defensive and said, ‘Just because I’m Scottish it doesn’t mean my favourite Bond can’t be English.’

Okay. Touched some sort of weird nerve.

So, I said, ‘If you’re going to be Bond, we can do a couple costume and I’ll go as a Bond girl. I’m sure I have a cocktail dress…’

But he cut me off. ‘Candy’s going as Solitaire.’

I had no idea what he was talking about.

‘Jane Seymour in Live and Let Die,’ he said as if it were obvious. ‘But I guess you could be some other Bond girl. If you want.’

With that attitude, I didn’t ‘want’. I dug an old witches hat out of the wardrobe, put on a black dress, and put blue eye shadow on my cheeks and red lipstick under my eyes (makes you look dead). Fuck looking sexy for Halloween, HP’s little strop about English Bond was annoying and I was not in the mood.

The party was okay. It was a cloudy night, but really warm so the activities moved into the back garden of the house. Since it was such a warm night, I found myself a drink and a seat in the garden and made myself comfortable.

To be honest I was kind of getting annoyed with HP. When we go to a party that’s thrown by my friends I have to spend the entire evening making sure he’s being entertained because he’s a social disaster if he doesn’t know anyone at the party. But when we go to a party hosted by his mates, he’s off chatting with everyone leaving me behind to sit in a corner. Yes, I know I’m normally a really social person, but I’d like him to at least introduce me to someone. Not head straight for the guy in the Ghostbuster’s costume.

I was talking to this Don Drapper arsehole (a guy in a 50s suit that was supposed to be Don Drapper, but he just looked like a guy in a black suit) who was banging on about his wife and baby at home, and how ‘some nights you just gotta get out and do something. You can’t be pinned in all the time just because you have a baby.’ I don’ t know I wasn’t really listening, and he was saying that there was ‘someone’ at the party he just had to see. I was kind of cornered, and he was a total dick. Anyone who leaves his wife and new born child at home to go to a Halloween party so you can find ‘someone’ you’ ve been ‘meaning to catch’ is a shady fuck and not someone I wanted to spend a party talking to.

Anyway, Candy walked in later wearing a low cut gold 70’s dress with playing cards sewn all over them. Immediately, she ran over to HP and gave him a hug, and everyone started going on about their costume. Everyone could tell they were Solitaire and Bond, and they all said how ‘clever’ they were. He fucking rented a tuxedo and she sewed some cards on a dress. They weren’t ‘clever’.

Don Drapper gave me a shot and I downed it. I then went and poured myself a tall vodka, light on the Coke, and started chatting with a man dressed as Alex from Orange is the New Black. His wife was dressed as Piper. Now that was a clever couple costume. Alex gave me a couple more shots, I poured myself another large vodka and coke, hold the Coke. After more chat, Piper fed me a hash brownie, and everything got a bit fuzzy. Okay, everything got really fuzzy.

Then you wouldn’t believe who turned up dressed like Cruella de Vil. The Intern, that’s who.

As it turns out, the Intern doesn’t go to Uni in Dundee like I had assumed. And, no I never asked what Uni she went to. Then again, she never told me otherwise. She lives in one city with her mum, goes to Uni in another town, and comes into the internship in Dundee everyday. Some days, when she’s got both class and the internship, she’s traveling for over 3 hours a day, and has to get up stupid early to get into the internship. I had no idea.

Also, it turns out that she knows Giles because her mum is his cleaner, and has been for years. And, she finds Giles totally creepy, but since he paid for her schooling (that’s how she went to public school) she feels indebted to him. And, she hates how her family is his family’s little ‘project’. She’s grateful for their help, but they’re kind of dicks about it too.

And you know what’s worse, I found this out after I called her a useless intern with no initiative to her friend. Okay, I had no idea that the girl dressed as Katie Perry (or maybe she just looked like Katie Perry) was her friend. I saw Cruella de Vil, and said to the person next to me, ‘Holy shit. That’s my intern. She is so useless. But she’s fucking my boss so I can’t sack her.’ (In fairness, by this point I was totally wasted, but it still wasn’t cool.)

It turns out that Katie Perry now goes to the Uni in Dundee but used to go to school with the Intern. The Intern crashes at Katie Perry’s place sometimes when she can’t afford the train into Dundee for the internship. Katie Perry completely and aggressively put me straight, and added ‘And tomorrow is the anniversary of when her Dad died, so I thought it might be fun for her to spend the weekend in Dundee. So how about you just stay away from her.’

Yeah. I’m a cock. A complete cock.

I wanted a hole to open up in the floor swallow me. I needed to leave. I really just needed to get out of that party.

I couldn’t find HP, so I went looking for him in the house to tell him that I had to go. I finally found him. In the guest bedroom. With Candy.

I walked in just as he leaned in to kiss her. I ran out as fast as I could, and kept running out of the house and down the pavement. Once I was a few houses down that’s when I started to cry. Like heaving hyperventilating crying. I could barely breath. I needed help.

I was near Lorainne’s house, so I made my way to hers to discover the house was dark. I remembered they had gone on a holiday to the Continent. I still had the key to the house on my chain (I never got around to returning it after we moved the office from her house), so I let myself in.

Why did I let myself in? God only knows.

I was drunk and a little high, and freaking out, and so so so very upset. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to be somewhere familiar. Somewhere comforting. So, I went in her house, took a bottle of wine from her kitchen, opened it, and curled up on her sofa, sobbed and drinking red wine from the bottle until I started shaking. Then I started freaking out.

I picked up my phone to call HP, then remembered why I was so upset in the first place. And started to shake more. So, I rang Goatee.

I was barely audible, but he calmed me down and said he was going to come get me. He talked to me all the way from Glasgow to Dundee, mostly about silly stuff like work and his art gallery. I don’t know what it is about that man, but he always had the most calming affect on me (except when he cheated on me. Oh god. Why do all men cheat on me?)

Anyway, he turns up at Lorainne’s and I hadn’t even locked the door behind me. I was a wreck.

He comes in and sits down next to me, wipes the hair from my face and rubs my back. It dawns on me that he just left without saying anything to his wife, so I ask if she’s okay with him leaving for Dundee in the middle of the night. He said that her mother had been poorly, and she was with her for the evening. So, it wasn’t a problem.

I rolled over and asked Goatee the question. That question that was nagging at me.

‘What’s wrong with me? Why do I drive every man away?’

He was quite lovely. He stroked my hair and said that not all men were like that. Then he said, ‘HP’s not like that. I never really liked him, but he does love you. And he would never hurt you.’

I sobbed, ‘But he’s kissed her. That’s cheating. He doesn’t need to have sex with her to cheat. He’s cheated. Kissing is even worse than sex because it’s more loving.’ (I’ve actually sense decided that’s bullshit, sex is worse, but at this point I don’t know if they’ve had sex or if it was just a kiss. Either way, he’s cheated.)

And I just cried.

Goatee got me some water and calmed me down. I was quite dehydrated and still drunk and kind of stoned, and I was feeling pathetic and stupid. And, I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to get back at HP. I wanted to feel like I had some sort of control.

So, I did something really stupid. I came onto Goatee.

Actually, I threw myself at Goatee. Tried to get him out of his trousers and mount him sort of threw myself at him. In hindsight it was messy and ridiculous.

He politely declined and put me back onto the sofa. Which made me feel worse at the time, but now I’m glad he did. I’m glad I didn’t sleep with Goatee on Halloween. Not because of HP, but because Goatee is married. Happily married to a wonderful woman. Goatee turning me down made me feel like at least there was one good man left in the world. Even if he’s not my man, at least there’s one out there.

It was now early in the morning, not quite light but the birds were chirping. Goatee suggested that it was best we leave, because technically I shouldn’t have been in Lorainne’s house. I was kind of trespassing.

Goatee took me home. As he helped me up the stairs to the landing, it dawned on me that HP probably wasn’t home. He’d be at Candy’s. If he kissed her, he probably went home with her. Or, what if she were in my bed. Just before I reached my door, I told Goatee I couldn’t go in to my flat. I couldn’t face them if she were there. What if they were in flagrante?

Goatee said he would go in first and check that everything was okay. As I fumbled for my keys at the door, HP opened it. I stumbled into the house and into my bedroom. Thank god no sign of Candy. In my mind I screamed ‘Where is she?’, but I was too exhausted to say anything. I expected HP to follow me into the bedroom, but it was Goatee who put me in the bed. He got me a glass of water, helped me off with my shoes. Put the duvet over me.

As he left the flat, I heard him try to talk to HP. ‘Listen, I didn’t expect you to be here, but I think that…’

HP must have walked away because I heard the door to the office slam. Then the front door shut gently.

I slept till mid morning, and woke up to HP packing a bag. He said he’s staying with a friend for a while. I refused to talk, and he walked out the door.

What has become of us? My god. What has happened.

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