The Spy

Hi everyone. Sorry there’s been such a huge gap in my blogging. So much has been going on, both emotionally and socially. Trying to keep my mind off HP, but when I stop I just melt. Oh, and haven’t been able to blog from the office because the eyes are watching. And, I’ve kind of had a blog surrogate. As I’ve said before, this blogging lark has been really just a cathartic thing for me. A way to vomit my emotions out of my head.

Well, my mate Emilie, who I met through this blog, messaged to see if I was okay, and before I knew it she took the brunt of my emotions with what’s been going on with HP. She thinks I should post those emails, and maybe I will. I’ll have a think about it.

In the meantime I’ll get you caught up on everything not HP related.

First is the gawd awful world of work. The only benefit to working in the fifth ring of hell is that those people get me so worked up I completely forget that my boyfriend has moved out and won’t speak to me and I don’t know why.

So I wasn’t in the office Wednesday, Thursday and Friday last week. I was in Edinburgh. I was doing businessy stuff during the day on Wednesday and Thursday and staying with Intern2 and Hubby at night. Since I was having such a smashing time, I called in sick on Friday.

Monday in the office was a nightmare. Patch decided that we all needed to hear these ‘learning videos’ he plays his kids which is just children singing inane repetitious songs like ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It’ and ‘The Wheels on the Bus’. I’m not sure how these videos constitute ‘learning’, but I also don’t care. The bigger problem was that he played them all day, over and over, until I was singing them myself. It was like I’d been trapped in CBeebies.

‘Hey, Lit2. You’re gonna love this one,’ then he’d play it on top volume as BigEyes clapped along.

Why the fuck would I want to hear that? Because I’m a woman, therefore I have the mind of a child? Because I’m a woman and I think of breeding nonstop? Because Patch is Satan, and he wants to torture me?

Oh, and one more thing. MacDraggyFeet has got some massive wind. But the problem is she walks around with those earmuffs on to cancel out the noise in the room, and they must be super sonic-cancelling earmuffs because she doesn’t hear herself fart. She must think she’s releasing silent ones because he’s tooting all over that office. Yesterday, despite the fact it was absolutely freezing outside we had to crack a window, by my desk, and I got slightly rained on, just so I didn’t have to smell her stink.

Anyway, the office. We discovered a new member of staff on Tuesday, but only had it explained to us today. It was all kinds of weird and creepy to be honest.

So, there’s this room in the office that was supposed to be a cupboard and on the first day it ended up locked and since I didn’t have a key, it stayed locked. Until Tuesday when the door opened and out walked PARobot. She didn’t say a thing, just walked over to the kettle made a cup of tea, went back into the cupboard and then shut the door. We didn’t see her for the rest of the day.

Everyone just looked at each other shocked. When did she go in there? How did she get in there? The Intern is now working Monday and Tuesdays all day, and she’s crashing at a friend’s house in Dundee on Monday nights so she doesn’t have to travel. I’ve given her a client to work with and she came in early to read through some of the manuscript in peace. (She working on the manuscript of a young author who has an interesting idea of writing a book that appears to be a memoir but has chapters missing which can only be found online, but not on one website. The book gives clues to the websites, and the reader must go find them to read the whole book. Kind of like a Tristam Shandy treasure hunt. We’ve published one traditional book of this author, and it did fairly well, so I’d like to work with her again. However, Giles doesn’t understand the concept of this book, so I’m not even telling him that we’re working with this client on this book. I’ve told him that we dropped this idea. However, if the Intern and I can get a publisher for it, then it won’t matter that Giles doesn’t ‘get it’. Wow, this is a long bit for a parenthesis. In fact, it’s weird. I’ve gotten really quite good at editing, but my own writing is pretty shockingly bad. Maybe I just don’t care about my own writing. Okay too much digression…)

Right, back to RobotPA.

The Intern had come in early on Tuesday and was the first one to get into the office at 8.30, and she didn’t see RobotPA come in. So, no one had any idea where she came from.

Giles came to day for the Monday Morning Meeting, which I’m going to change to WTFGWTTU (Whenever the Fuck Giles Wants to Turn Up) meeting, or the WTF meeting for short. He showed up about 10 this morning, and RobotPA came out of the office – and once again none of us saw her go in our out – and she sat at our little meeting table ready for the meeting.

Giles said that she would be ‘observing’ us for a month, and that she had already been in the office since Monday a week ago. We were kind of freaking out.

Giles, ever clueless to facial expressions, didn’t notice the look of panic on everyone’s face, so I just said ‘Why?’ What I didn’t say was ‘Yes, this place is an absolute shambles, but who is she to observe, and how is she observing from behind a locked door, or will she finally be joining us in the office? And what the hell has she been doing in a cupboard for over a week?’

So, Giles missed our WTF faces, and said, ‘We need to start pushing the envelope and calibrate ourselves to the processes of this business. We’re all new to this sector, so I’ve decided to broker a deal with one of the top consultants in the UK. She will help us harness interactive deliverables, because without this it is virtually impossible to monetise the compelling ROI I have developed as a lead part of our business strategy.’

I got only two things out of his comment. He’s lumping me in with the rest of the inexperienced numpties I work with, and RobotPA may be a consultant?

He asked RobotPA to say a few words.

‘I have 25 years experience working in various sectors helping to increase performance. I will be monitoring activity over the next few weeks, after which I will provide feedback for best practices on moving forward.’

More questions arose than we answered. What is RobotPA a consultant of? Why was she doing PA stuff previously if she was a consultant? Should I get really bad at my job, so she’ll say I’m expendable, fire me, and then I can leave this hell hole without having to give Giles any of his money back? Or, should I spend this time proving my worth, so that she recommends to Giles that I run the show? And, most importantly…

How is she monitoring us from behind a closed door? This really freaks me out. Are there cameras in the office? Does she have our computers bugged to be monitored? What about our tablets? Or, is Patch the mole, who feeds her information? (Which would totally explain is obsession with shredding and looking over my shoulder at my computer screen.)

Because of this I haven’t been using the office laptop for anything other than work. So, blogging from the office is a no no. Although, I’m doing it just now from my phone. I’ve got a Bluetooth keyboard hooked up to my iPhone so I can do non-work stuff at work, but it’s not working that well. But I guess I should be working, but then again, I’m not sure yet if I want to excel in this office or fail.

Anyway, after the meeting, RobotPA went back into her office and shut the door, and Giles left.

Everyone else was in an absolute panic. Oddly, I’m not, because I feel like it’s a win win situation for me.

Oh, one last weird work thing. Patch received an anonymous card through the post to the office. It looks like he’s got an admirer, but kind of a stalky one. We don’t advertise the office address, so it has to be someone who personally knows where he works. And, the card was totally inappropriate. It had a poppy on the front, and was clearly a Remembrance Day card, but on the inside it said, ‘Remembering you on this special day. To the Dad who gives his all despite the odds. Always remember someone out there appreciates you.’ No signature and the words were typed into the card, like one of those ones you can buy online and they send for you. Creepy. Funny. But creepy.

PS-One thing I forgot to mention was that HP has been to the house (when I wasn’t there) to get some of his stuff, including the router. Which means that at home I only have internet on my phone, which is a massive ball ache.

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