As I stated before, I will post the emails Emilie and I sent to each other last week. I was a bit nervous to post the ones below because she gave me a right talking to, and I totally dismissed her. Kind of feeling bad about it, but ignoring one’s problems is so much easier than facing up to them. Yep, that’s my defense. The easiest route is the best, even if it becomes the hardest in the long-term.
Email from Emilie 7 November, Friday
Hi C –
I’m so glad you had a (relatively) good Bonfire Night and that you’re out of the flat and staying with friends. I think that’s a great space for you right now and it sounds like it’s already giving you some perspective.
But now I have to be brutally honest with you for a sec. You know I love you, so that’s where this is coming from. You have a habit of hiding behind this blog (and epic drama and gab fests), complaining and worrying when you should be acting. I wish I’d said something a few weeks ago. I’m not defending HP’s behavior (and I hope he tells you WTF is going on very soon), but you totally should have sat down and talked to him like a grown up a long time ago.
I know this all might sound harsh. But I’m a few years older than you and I’ve been where you’re at before (or some version of it), so I really think the best thing I can do is give you some tough love. You have way more power here, but you’re allowing things to happen to you. I know you’re capable of more and I suspect that (in the long run, if not the short), you’ll be far better off if you work out what you want and you actively pursue that goal.
Do you want to be with HP? Do you what to know what’s going on with him and how he’s feeling and why he’s been acting the way he has been? Then talk to him. Be open and listen. There’s no way to guarantee that y’all will survive this, but if you keep avoiding him and acting rashly and talking to everyone but him about your relationship, you can almost certainly guarantee that y’all won’t survive. And the passive track is bound to be far more drawn out and probably painful.
Good luck. I’m here when/if you need to talk. I’m happy to be a sounding board as you process through all this, but please, please, please, let’s not speculate and wonder about what’s going on with HP. Try to talk to him first, then if you need to pour out your heart and if I can help you figure out what your next step should be, let’s talk again. Skype soon?
P.S. I’m fine. Was going through some drama a while back, but am mostly through it. I’m doing NaNoWriMo, but am still writing my memoir as I do. So, I’m writing and meditating every day. Maybe we should talk about meditation soon. I struggled with it a long time, but it’s really working for me lately. [I have a link to the meditation series I’m doing, if you want it.]
My response to Emilie on 8 November, Saturday
Hey. Kind of had a freak out last night. I decided to stay with my friends in Edinburgh through till tomorrow. HP rang last night (reason for the freak out). He was in the flat, and wanted to know when I’d be home. I thought he wanted to talk, but he just wanted to know when I’d be back because he was picking up more stuff and wanted to do a load of laundry while in the flat. In other words, he was calling me to avoid me.
I had, what I thought was, a cunning plan. I told him I was in Edinburgh for the night, and that he had the flat to himself and hung up. Then I was going to jump on a train to Dundee and get to the flat before his laundry was done. Kind of bamboozle him into talking to me, but my friends talked me out of it. They rightly said that emotionally jumping him was not fair. And that I should plan for us to sit down and talk.
Plus, I had your blasted voice in my head, ‘y’alls’ and all. You and your bloody honest email. Yes, I hide behind my drama…sometimes. And I know that things get a little more worked up in my head than they do in real life. But, I swear that me not talking to HP isn’t just because it’s easier to hang out with my new favourite couple in their lovely Edinburgh flat and bask in their loving glow. Yes, I’m using my Edinburgh friends as a couple-surrogate and taking their love for one another, jumping in the middle of it, and trying to suck some away for myself. (Okay, you didn’t say that in your email, but I’m kind of realizing now as I type that I’m kind of trying to live off their love. Thanks Emilie. Thanks so much for making me realize things.)
But, anyway, part of the reason I’m not talking to HP is because he doesn’t talk. And, in the past, when I push him to talk – even in a friendly listening sort of a way – he shuts down even more. That’s just how he is. It’s just how most men I know are. They don’t speak. Ever. About anything. Unless of course it’s about something trivial. Yeah, we used to talk about all kinds of stuff, but he never really talked about deep personal things. Like, he’s never talked about his Dad dying. On occasion he’ll make a comment about something involving his Dad, but he doesn’t talk about it. And the times I’ve pushed him to talk, is when we’ve gotten in our biggest arguments. So, maybe, I’m just afraid to talk to him, because I know the routine. He won’t say anything, and I’ll push it, and then the fight will get bigger.
I guess this is why I got so mad about him and Candy. She knows some big secret of his. How does she get him to talk, when I can’t? Or, why does he talk to her about personal stuff and not me?
Anyway, with your email in my mind, and my friends words in my ears, I texted him last night and told him that we have to meet. We can’t keep avoiding each other. He said he agreed (I was shocked) but was going away for work for a four days on Monday and ‘can’t deal with this just now.’
My friends have said that I can stay here as long as I like, but I guess I should get back to the real world. And, actually, I think only one friend wants me to stay and the other is just being nice. Plus, I’m going over to Glasgow tomorrow to see Sarah (remember my old friend Sarah?). Not sure how this is going to work out, but at least it will be something else to focus on for a while.
But may take you up on that Skype offer next week. Oh, and meditation? Don’t know. Sitting alone with my thoughts is the problem. But I’ll have a think about it.
Thanks for everything.
Second email to Emilie in the wee hours of 9 November:
Hey. I know I only emailed you a few hours ago, but something horrible just dawned on me. What if HP and Candy are going away together? What if the four days away aren’t just for work? What if it’s more? Yes, I know I can’t control them or that part of this whole situation, but how the fuck do I stop thinking about it? Please send mind-altering machine that will make me forget about stuff until I’m ready to deal with it. I’ve tried wine but it doesn’t seem to work.