Being upbeat is exhausting

HP got home last night around midnight, and I was still up and determined to show him that I was a new person.

He’s sorted the spare room, so he’s staying in there now, but he’d come in and went into the lounge to watch television. I had been wearing my old joggy bottoms and a giant jumper, so I threw on a pair of jeans and a nice top, ran a comb through my hair and jumped through some perfume mist. The then sashayed into the lounge with a smile on my face.

‘I’ve had such a lovely evening,’ I told him. ‘I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just enjoy a night in with a good book. By the way did you see that UpWorthy video…’

My plan was already not going to plan. I wasn’t as casual as it had played out in my head, and I hate UpWorthy videos, so I have no idea which one is all the rage at the moment. Shit, I was talking myself into a corner. I needed to be generic with the video.

‘…that UpWorthy video where that kid sings and people see her for who she real is.’

That seemed like the crux of most inspirational videos, so I left it hanging hoping that my new positive attitude would start a conversation.

‘Why are you being weird?’ he asked.

‘I’m not weird. I’m just…’

‘Oh right, our conversation in the car,’ he cut me off. ‘I don’t want you to be a different person. And I certainly don’t want you to be this…whatever this is. I was just saying. You know what, it really doesn’t matter.’ And he went to bed.

Damn it. I needed a new plan.

I woke up early this morning to make him pancakes. I don’t know why pancakes, or how I thought pancakes would bring us together in a fit of positivity, but I was tired last night when I came up with the idea.

As you can imagine, pancakes were not made. Instead, I just covered the kitchen in paper-mache paste. HP wandered in scratching his head wanted to know what all the racket was, and instead of being upbeat I said, ‘I’m trying to make an effort. I’m trying to be helpful and positive, but it’s all going to shit!’

And I stormed into the bedroom. He followed me and lingered in the doorway before saying, ‘I hate UpWorthy videos. They’re self-involved click bait. And I know you hate them too. It’s okay to not like things. It’s also okay to not cover the kitchen in goo.’

My gawd. What does he want from me? He’s gone out again for the day, and now I’m bored and obsessed with how to be positive without being too positive. What things should I be happy about, and what things can I dislike. This is exhausting. I think I’ll go see if Katie wants to hangout. She’s okay with being miserable.

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